She's Not Rachel
by jensmiling
Summary: A series of short drabbles, in which Quinn comes to a realisation about her relationship with Finn. Eventually Finchel but lots of angst on the way.
1. Chapter 1: Shopping Trip

_I am planning to update my other fics I swear, but this short drabble just came to my head when I couldn't sleep so I wrote it out on my I Phone. I had an idea of making it multi-chapter, but now I think it's nice as a one-shot. It's labelled Finn and Rachel as I didn't want people to think it's a Fuinn fic. Let me know your thoughts and whether I should contniue._

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_She doesn't think of it like he does. To her it's just a mild inconvenience, something she could do without when she has a ton of homework to keep up with.

Yet to him, it's a sign. She guesses he got that symbolism shit from Berry; it sounds like her.

She gently rolls her eyes, pretending to chide him as he adds the third bag of dorritos into the cart. She sees that her suggestion of fruit smoothies has been loosely interpreted as a pack of Kool Aid, which thumps the bottom of the trolley. Staying calm, she bites her Tongue, because then it would suggest she was taking this seriously and she's not. Its just a shopping trip.

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This is so much more than a shopping trip, he thinks as he studies the list Shue specifically asked him to get the supplies for the New Directions Regionals Song Selection Party. It means something; it means that he is a leader again. And the way that Rachel actually suggested Quinn accompany him rather than cast herself in the role is awesome; it means she's moving on. And he wants that, I mean sure it gives him a feeling like that time he drank too much Pepto Bismil but he rationalises that's perfectly normal.

Noticing Quinn staring he realises that the pressure he has been placing on the pencil has left a hole in the squints but the next item on the list has been eclipsised by the ragged, torn paper. He laughs because it seems like the right thing to do.

"I don't know how grown ups do this all the time," he says, " I mean there's a ton of stuff to remember with the list and prices and all."

Jabbing him playfully, she pauses a second to take in the make up counter and idly swishes a glassy peach tint on the front of her right arm. It will clash with her smoky eyes but she tosses it into the cart anyways. Taking it as his cue he continues:  
" I gotta say Quinn, I totally feel grown up doing this with you. I know we like only starting dating a while back but I can definitely dig us doing this in the future. Me putting a ton of junk food in the cart and you being adorably mad, me totally trying to get you to stop eating that vegan shit that tastes like cardboard."  
He laughs again as they reach the checkout.

He didn't mean to say it, she gets that. Hell he didn't even realise he mentioned his ex girlfriend eating habbits, didn't realise he was talking about a future with _her_.She knows he truly thinks he doesn't love Rachel. But he does.

She watches him counting the change,drinking in his adorable expression as he does the sums in his head. And she acknowledges even after all this time it's clear to everyone.

Shes not Rachel.

She's just a girl and she thinks Finns kinda hot, especially when he's got her back. They both love that they're back on popularity ladder and when they kiss there's something there... _something_.

Its enough. For now. So she places her hand in his and leads him out of the store. Trying to desperately not to make a symbol out of the fact his giant hand doesn't quite fit and that there's more than the half dozen shopping bags weighing her down

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_That's it! If you enjoyed please review!_


	2. Chapter 2: Regionals

Thanks for all the reviews, another short chapter is up. Slight spoilers for ep Original Song (song lyrics to one of the songs). This is going to be angsty for a little while longer.

If she was feeling poetic or artistic, then she might think it was one of the most beautiful things she'd ever seen, in a strange kind of way. Rachel Berry peering over the piano top and singing straight from the heart; the way she knows best. The lyrics cause the air to crackle and she sees Finn silently wiping away a tear; not even pretending to disguise it like he usually does.

_What can you do __when your good isn't good enough._

_And all that you touch tumbles down_

_Cos my best intentions keep making a mess of things_

_I just wanna fix it somehow._

But it isn't beautiful, or artistic, or pretty. It just reminds her of how much she, Quinn Fabray, sucks. How she has somehow managed to be with a guy who can't take his eyes off the miniscule figure on the stage. How she's the girl that managed to drive away every guy she has cared about; one who is currently making out against the stage curtain with a total bitch and another who can't stop making lovesick eyes at Lauren Zizes.

Really. Lauren Zizes?

With that, she begins to cry. No one blinks an eye; assuming she too is touched by the message of the song. Or awed at how Rachel Berry turned out to be such a good songwritter. She's not sure if she's crying for Finn, Puck, Sam or simply for the phrase that she can't get out of her head lately.

She's not Rachel.

Because Rachel is singing her heart out; totally oblivious to what everybody else knows. That Finn is still madly in love with her. She watches him as he tries to steady himself and she knows there's a part of him that wants to rush on the stage, to do something, _anything, _rather than hear Rachel sing about how many time she's messed up things with him.

But she's messed up too. Because she could tell him. She _could_ force him to confront his feelings. She _could _break up with him and drive him into her arms because it would just be a matter of time. She _could_ tell him that even if he doesn't realise it, he's kinda a hypocrite and he should just forgive Berry already.

But she doesn't. Instead she grabs his hand as Rachel sings her last note and walks with him onto the stage, along with the rest of the club. Because with Finn she has something and without him; there's nothing. So rather than trying to work out what her she really wants, she decides on just singing her heart out instead.

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_That's it! If you enjoyed please review! The more reviews the quicker I'll get around to updating!_


	3. Chapter 3: Backstage

As he sings, all he can think of is that he has to say something. He's not sure what or why, but he has the strangest feeling in his stomach again. Her song has made him feel queezy, in a good way he thinks, not in the 'just eaten the pie in the cafeteria' type of way. As they finish the number, he pulls her into him, just for a brief hug, but he allows himself to inhale the sweet strawberry scent of her hair. Just for a second.

Then she's rushing off the stage at a hundred miles an hour and he just wants to preserve that brief moment. Because to him, it seemed perfect.

"Rach!" he yells. He smiles as she chooses to linger on the stairway. The Glee Club swish past and she looks at him expectantly. His head whirls with all the things he wants to say to her.

"We'll get it right."

Yeah, okay. He could have said something better than that. Embarassed, he scoldes himself, listing all the things that would have sounded better than quoting the lyrics. Anything but cheesily quoting the lyrics. She waits to see if he has any more to offer and then finally walks away with a shrug. And he gets that; he can't just roll up and quote a line in hope she'll fall at his feet. She deserves more than that.

Besides, despite realising how much he desperately wants to get it right, he doesn't know how to. He doesn't have the answers, he doesn't have any guarantees. Nothing's changed since she started singing about him, _to _him. He still doesn't know if he can trust her, he still doesn't know how to find his way back. All he knows is that he loves her. Yet who the hell knows if that's enough.

But ask him how he feels about Quinn Fabray and his answer is quick, sharp and confident. He knows how he feels about Quinn Fabray. He knows how she feels about him. That's got to mean something, it's supposed to be that easy. Right? So he finds her and kisses her on the cheek and wraps his arm around her shoulder. Too wrapped up in thoughts of Rachel and their performance to notice that she flinches at his touch.

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She hears him call after her and like the other Glee clubbers, decides to let them be. To give them their moment, she might be a bitch sometimes but she figures they both deserve that. Part of her wishes she knew what he said to her, but it doesn't really matter. It's clear from Rachel's smile that he _tried. _He's trying to get her back, even if he doesn't realise it yet. But then he puts his cold arm around her and even if it feels a little unnatural, a little forced, she realises she's still got time. Time to figure out what she wants.

It feels like it's getting harder and harder to stop thinking, to push the thoughts away. It's getting impossible to ignore things. So just for a second she decides to stops pretending to be happy. In the hope she'll feel something real again.

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_That's it! I really like this side of Quinn, makes a change to writing her as bitchy! Anyways, if you enjoyed please review and I'll try to update tomorrow._


	4. Chapter 4: Meet the Parents

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Thanks for all the reviews! Next chapter is up. Probably one more chapter to go after this.

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She sits on the step waiting for him. At first she sniffles, trying to save her dignity. But eventually, she lets the tears fall. The next thing she knows, her whole body is taken over with sobs. She sees in her compact that her face is a patchwork of red blotches and her perfectly applied eyeliner is smeared and smudged, but she's past caring.

She hears footsteps behind her and she braces, hurridly wiping the tears and simply causing the black mess around her eyes to spread further. She notices quickly that's its not him and she doesn't know if she's relieved or disappointed.

"I brought you some hot chocolate, it's cold out here."

She nods and accepts it gratefully, still silent.

"You know Quinn, you and I have never really... well we've never really spoken when you think about it. But I gotta ask: Do you think what you feel for my brother is really worth all this? Because when I was briefly in love with the idiot I admit I watched him a lot. I may have somewhat stalked him. And the only person I noticed watching him with the same intensity was Rachel. And ocassionally that weird substitute teacher we had in History."

She moves slightly, giving him room to sit. He closes the front door, sweeps a few leaves off the step, and settles beside her.

"I get already" she snaps, "I'm not Rachel."

He sighs and shakes his head "It's not about that Quinn, do you want a pity party here? Because your not going to get one from me. Okay, she was a little over the top but Carol has every right to yell at you after what happened. It's not like Finn warned her you were coming over. You made her think she was going to be a grandmother and now your all of sudden dating her son again. It's going to take a little getting used to. You expect us to all buy that your suddenly crazy about him?"

"I love him." she says simply, wishing it didn't sound like a defence or an excuse.

"I believe you _want _to love him." he replies, "Sometimes we wish it was the same thing. But it isn't Quinn."

She rests her head on his shoulder and fiercely shuts her eyes, before she gets lost in thinking about what the word love really means.

* * *

It had been a good practice. It's so much better playing for a team that actually wins games he thinks, as he pulls into his drive.

He sees a hunched, fragile figure on the steps, leaning into Kurt. For a moment he thinks it's Rachel, not because it looks like her, but because it seems like a Rachel think to do. To wait for him dramatically on his steps in floods of tears. Then he remembers that was the _old _Rachel. The new Rachel's probably too busy being independent and signging about it.

Kurt looks up and nods silently. He gently unhooks himself out of Quinn's grasps. He pauses a second, wondering whether he should explain, because Finn clearly wasn't expecting Quinn to show up while he was at practice. Then he looks at Quinn and figures she can explain it herself.

So he opens the door and leaves them to it. Wondering when life got so damn complicated.

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He's not good at this kind of thing. Sure he knows he can rub her back and kiss her head and say it's going to be okay. But he's not sure if it _is _going to be okay. Besides, he has questions. Like why is she sitting on his drive when he was supposed to pick her up? Why did his mom leave him an answerphone mesage, yelling at him,telling him he's being a hyp...hippopotamus dating Quinn or something like that anyways? Why is it the first time that he's noticed how sad Quinn looks?

"We don't love each other." she says calmly and turning so she's looking up at him. He's glad she's stopped crying, because...well, because he's not good at this kind of thing.

For a moment he thinks about shushing her or lying to her. Or taking her into his arms or wiping her tears. But he doesn't. Instead he just replies softly.

"I know." Suddenly the questions don't matter as much anymore.

"I used to feel something, something like love" she adds, while trying to calm her breathing. "I swear I did, but then I messed up and tried to go back, tried to make it better. Instead everything got fragmented into these little pieces. We shouldn't have tried to go back."

"I know."

"I'm so sorry Finn, for everything I did, for how I made you feel, I really am sorry."

"I know." He's starting to feel like a frickin broken record here but he doesn't know what else to say. Then he adds, " I forgive you."

Because when he thinks about, he does. He doesn't feel all that anger anymore. If he's honest, he doesn't really feel much of _anything _towards Quinn anymore. He wonders when it happened, when he forgave her. Because everyone keeps asking him to forgive Rachel and he argues back that it isn't just a split decision, something you can do. Yet here he is, forgiving Quinn, accepting the past and it feels like it should have happened a hell of a long time ago.

He doesn't expect a final resolution to this, he knows there's not a clean way of wrapping things up and it's not like he and Quinn can be the best of friends. So he sits with her on the step, waiting until she's ready to leave, to move on. Wishing they had always been this honest with each other.

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His mom finds him on the same step two hours later. He's been thinking,he says. He's been trying to think of different ways to get it right but he's not getting very far.

She hands him a grilled cheese and he figures it's her way of apologising for yelling at Quinn. She sits with him a while, content in letting him think. She knows he'll get there eventually.

He picks at his crusts and finally begins to speak. "I still love Rachel ma. I want to forgive her, I _really _want to forgive her. Do you think it's enough?"

"It's a start" she replies honestly, wishing she had all the answers.

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_That's it! If you enjoyed, please review and I'll aim to get the final chapter up ASAP_


	5. Chapter 5: NewYork City

_Thanks for all the reviews! This is a longer chapter. Mainly Finn but some Quinn. This is the last time Quinn will be in the story, so her side of things will be resolved. Finchel might take another chapter or two._

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New. York. City.

It's what dreams are made of. Apparently. Except right now he has one dream and it doesn't seem to be going very well at all. And he doesn't think an awkward plane ride is going to be his frickin' fairy godmother.

His mom was right. What he had was a _start_. It was the start of Rachel smiling at him in the hallway again. It was the start of Quinn giving him the space he needed; the space they both needed. It was the start of him realising that he didn't really give a shit about the Puck drama anymore because he just wanted Rachel. He wanted Finn and Rachel, or Finchel, or whatever the hell it was called. Because he missed her.

Yet it wasn't a middle and it wasn't an end, because they still weren't together. He had tried, he had written this big long speech on the back of his hand and had got about a quarter of the way through before she stopped him. Because apparently they can't be together; these things take time. He can't truly want it if just two weeks ago he was fooling around with Quinn. He can't really understand things if he doesn't get what a total hypocrite he's been. He can't really love her if he had thought for one second that her feelings for him were anything less than constant. So she thinks he needs to stop and work out what he really wants once and for all.

He hates it when she's right.

She tells him that they've only got one more chance. That they've messed up things so many times and she's determined not to be one of those girls in a yo-yo relationship. So if they get back together, there can't be any secrets, can't be any more past relationships that need closure, can't be any insecurities. It's a lot pressure.

He's tried. He's tried to think about it all and he realises he's been a douche to her. Did his brain totally skip over the part when he dumped her to find his stupid inner rockstar? Or when he cheated on his pregnant girlfriend in secret to be with her? That was lame. Or when he let Santana made those shitty comments and just opened his mouth like a goldfish? So yeah, he guesses (well hopes) that he's understood that he's a hypocrite. And he gets that he was a lame ass for bringing Quinn into the mix but he's kinda confident that they got their closure.

Yet the part where he questioned her love? He finds that harder to deal with. Everyday he asks himself why he didn't believe in her more. Why he put her on the same level Quinn.

He hasn't got an answer yet.

Which is why, he thinks, the next five hours _should_ be awesome. Because he has a whole plane ride to share with her and he knows she'll be scared and he'll get to hold her hand and stuff.

Yet, he also knows it's going to suck. Because he hasn't got the answers yet. And he's not going to put himself out there until he has them.

He has to get it right this time. It's his last chance.

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Five hours. The last five hours _should _have been awesome she thinks. But it's sucked. She's in New York. She's free of men, trying to be independent; exploring New York solo was supposed to be her thing. She told the rest of the club that she wanted to go it alone and was determined to achieve something by herself.

So she took her map, her bottled water and her sunglasses. She stepped out on to the streets of New York. And it terrified her. She lasted about thirty seconds before rushing back into the comfort of the hotel Starbucks and that's where she is now.

It was supposed to be easy. Once she and Finn had gotten their closure, she was supposed to be restarting independent Quinn 2.0. But it scared her. And she felt, well kind of lonely.

She sees him, ordering a chocolate brownie, totally flirting with the redhead serving coffee. She's desperate not to talk to him but as soon as he spots her, he orders an extra brownie and makes a beeline for the cosy corner she's currently occupying.

"What happened to exploring New York?" he asks, tearing off a chunk of her brownie.

"It's kinda big" she replies and he almost spits his first bite out for laughter. He raises his eyebrows as if to say, _go figure._

"What about you Puckerman?" she responds, desperately trying not to laugh at his expression.

"Man I'm just hiding out from Berry. That girl might be hot but she's trying to use me and my guitar for extra rehearsal time. I know she's got that solo down already!"

She rolls her eyes. "Well since Lauren broke up with you, I thought you'd do anything to get into the girl's pants. Plus she's not taking Finn back anytime soon."

He shrugs, flicking his crumbs across the plate. "Sort of promised Finn I wouldn't go there…" He pauses and then adds, "Again."

"Since when did you care so much about Finn?" she asks "None of us are going to know him in three years right?"

He's not sure if she's just curiously probing or trying to remind him that when it came to her; he didn't care about anything else. So he tells her anyway.

"Yeah, well. She's Rachel. She's not _you_."

He's surprised at the fervour in which she leans across the table, causing her plate to tumble onto the ground and shatter. He's surprised at the forceful way she kisses him. He's surprised at how much he missed it; missed her. He's surprised that she doesn't stop it this time.

She's just surprised that for once in her life, she's really happy that she's not Rachel.

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_Ah, love me some Quick! I figure Quinn has had enough inner turmoil in this to get her happy ending! Now let's get Finchel theirs! If you enjoyed, please please review. I love reading them_


	6. Chapter 6: Plane Ride

Hi all, I really intended to finish this but I'm in angst mode right now. I've just started another angst fic (Broken Nose, Broken Heart) despite getting lots of request to update the upbeat New Directions. So, yeah, Night of Neglect was horrendous, so I'm not in a Finchel happy place. Probably one more chapter left of this (I know I keep saying that) Any ideas on how I can end it happily, while making Finn fully realise his actions? If so, please put them in your review!

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They lose at Nationals.

Mr Shue keeps telling him that it's all about the journey and to think about how far they've come. To think about how they shuffled out last year's Regionals: heads low, feet scuffing the floor, not even placing in the competition. Yet just a year later and they've come second in a National competition in New. York. City! He pauses to emphasise the last few words, as if the awe of their location should somehow make amends for the fact Vocal Adrenaline kicked their ass.

He wants to tell him that he didn't _shuffle _last year, he ran. He ran so he and Rachel could get the back seat of the bus so they could cuddle up (her words, he just wanted to make out) without anybody noticing. Not that he cared; he wanted to people to notice; would have waved a flag if she'd let him. But she was insistent that they should wait until after they got back at school to tell everybody, to avoid detracting attention from the competition. He just figured it would be better to announce it when everybody wasn't so pissed at coming third to a religious freakshow.

So, yeah losing at Regionals had sucked and he had wanted to pound Jesse St Jack Ass. Yet Rach had nibbled on his ear and told him that she loved him and it hadn't seemed as bad after that.

He's far much pissed this year, even without that greasy broadway wannabe sniffing around. Because she's crying and he _hates _seeing her cry. These aren't the kind of eye welling tears she gets when she watching some lame ass musical. These are full on angry tears; she only takes a break to loudly compose a letter to the Show Choir committee blaming Vocal Adrenaline for flouting 35 seperate rules of the show choir handbook.

There's a Show Choir handbook? Who knew,

He learns something new every time Rachel is around. That's why he loves her.

* * *

She cries on the whole plane ride home. He puts his arm around her and she lets him; needing his comfort. It's nice, she thinks, Finn protecting her. Sure she likes being independent and following in the path of true divas- yet there's something about the way Finn protects her.

She lets him boldly kiss her forehead, lets him shush her gently, lets him applaud loudly when she reads out her 5 page letter to the Show Choir committee. She lets him grin and kiss her cheek when she explains what a Show Choir committee really is (even if she knows, that he's still probably no clearer).

She likes to teach him things. That's why she loves him.

But she still let him do the one thing he wants the most.

She won't let him love her again.

* * *

He grins as she falls asleep in his arms. She totally let him kiss her. Sure it was a forehead and then a cheek, but he's getting closer to her lips right? Maybe he should try her nose next.

She's so beautiful, he thinks. He tries to articulate it but he can't. She's beautiful with like her shiny hair and red lips and stuff, but in other ways too. Like the way she is patient with him when explaining things. Or the way she looks when she wears his baggy football sweater to make popcorn and doesn't yell when he throws it in her hair playful. But mostly he thinks she's beautiful because he wouldn't be here, doing what he loves if it wasn't for her.

And that's true beauty, right? The sort they talk about in the poems that are a hundred years old and written in that type of English that nobody speaks anymore.

He tried to explain it to Puck once, but he just wanted to know if he'd managed to get third base yet.

Not that he doesn't want to get to third base with her. He _really _wants to get third base with her. But mainly he just wants to be with her; every single day. For the rest of his life if she'd let him. He waits for his palms to sweat but they don't. All he gets is visions of Rachel making their adorable kids eat crappy vegan food and having to hide his snickers stash under the bed. He imagines her on the wedding day, dazzling in white. He imagines her visiting him at College every weekend and putting all candles and shit in the room to make it smell nice.

Then it hits him. The reason he though she was like Quinn, the reason he didn't trust her.

Because with Quinn, he lost a girlfriend. And a baby. With Rachel, he lost a future. The rest of his life. It scared the hell of him. It _still _scares the hell out of him.

He can't lose it.

He just can't.

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Slightly more optimistic before the end! If you liked, please review.


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